I’m seriously considering homeschooling Rosie. I posted this on Facebook earlier today asking for resources and of course got lots of opinions. Some of them very supportive and others not so much. As public as people think I am, there’s a lot I don’t write about to protect my child. So, I’m going to set the record straight so many of the naysayers will understand where I’m coming from and in the hopes that this helps another parent out there as well.
Rosie has serious migraines. Over the past couple of years, we’ve tried multiple medications and alternative treatments (and as many people know, I’m sick and freaking tired of being sold things on Facebook. She’s had health issues for 13 years people, don’t you think we’ve tried it all?). We’re currently being treated by a neurologist at our local children’s hospital and we’ve been to multiple chiropractors, physical therapists. We’ve also been to the pain clinic, tried biofeedback, made dietary changes and we’ve been on lots of medication (including one that made my child suicidal). We’ve tried just about everything.
In the past couple of years, her headaches have gotten worse. Part of this is hormonal, but honestly, stress is her major trigger. And, we know that school is her major stressor. This was scientifically proven in the pain clinic when she was hooked up to monitors. When she’s asked school-related questions, my child’s heart races, she sweats and her facial tension increases dramatically. It’s pretty scary.
So what causes the stress? Part of it is social as we’ve had some bullying issues. But the other part, is created by the migraines themselves.
My child wakes up with a headache at least two days a week. I can usually get them under control with medication, but by then she’s missed the first three hours of school. If it’s a dull headache and I send her to school, I can count on the nurse calling me early afternoon to inform me that she’s had to give Rosie medication. And, then there are days that we can’t get the migraines under control and she misses school altogether. In all, my child has missed 35 days of school this year (to be truthful, eight of them were for a virus and bacterial infection from our big cancer scare in the Fall). If you do the math, that’s seven full weeks of school.
So, what happens when you miss so much school? You miss math class and fall a little behind. Then you try and get caught up but your parents are too dumb to understand “common core” even though they can solve the problems. You finally get all caught up with the work and have another headache and miss the hour. Struggle a little more. Miss a few more days and need to make up that work so you can’t take the test. Next you have two trips to the Emergency Room and a doctor-mandated four days at home on heavy drugs and you’re even more behind because the pressure’s on- the school year’s over in a week and you have to get it all done.
What happens socially? Your friends talk about you when you’re not at school because….you’re not there (and you see it on social media in the middle of your migraine which makes it worse). Rumors start because you aren’t around to stop them. And, then you return to school headache free to hear all kinds of crap that’s not true on top of the scholastic pressure that you’re under.
Pressure. I’m a big believer that kids need to understand deadlines, responsibility and hard work. Unfortunately, my child has neurological issues that are being compounded by the traditional education system and to be honest, I’m making it worse (For the record, I do want to say that our current middle school has been incredibly understanding and cooperative within the current public school structure).
In the past month, I’ve taken my child to school with headaches because I’ve been told that if she “doesn’t grasp the material she won’t pass the class.” I’ve withheld medicine that makes her tired (but may help her migraine) in an effort to get her to school. I’ve woken her up from much-needed naps to force her to do homework when she clearly can’t even focus her eyes. I’ve told her that “bad grades are unacceptable and I’ll have to take her phone away, pull her from dance class…. if she can’t get it together”. Shame on me.
In the past year, I’ve taken her to school late many times and kind of slinked out of the office like we’ve just done something wrong. I’ve sent hundreds of emails explaining why she’s late or missing entirely. I’ve even apologized to teachers, administrators and coaches because my child’s not there or late (which I think is bullshit. I should never feel bad that my child has health issues). And, I’ve worried non-stop that she’ll never get caught up or that she’ll be treated differently by teachers and kids. It’s been terrible.
So, why am I considering homeschooling? My child’s health. We have to get the migraines under control and home schooling may help. Here’s how:
- When Rosie wakes up with a migraine and I give her medication and we get it under control by 10:30 in the morning. That’s when school can start. No pressure.
- If there’s a day when she has a terrible migraine and cannot do any school work, it’s okay. It’s a long year with no due dates.
- She will be able to learn at her pace, eliminating the stress of feeling like she’s falling behind or not as smart as other kids. She will also be able to pick and choose classes that interest her so she may be more engaged.
- The social issues that surround having a chronic health problem will be eliminated. There won’t be any trips to the nurse, missing school or having to explain why she’s different.
- We will be able to get her the care that she needs (PT, Biofeedback etc.) because we’ll have a more flexible schedule and can set appointments during the day.
- She’ll actually get back to dancing full-time again since that’s what she loves (it seems to be the first thing we cut out and it’s the best thing for her physically and mentally).
- Without all the stress and pressure, she may get fewer or less severe migraines. She also will be able to take the time to figure out how to deal with her headaches and make them manageable. But mostly, I hope she has less pain as people that have headaches and stomach issues have all kinds of other pain as well.
So, what about a social life? That’s one of the things that’s been holding me back and scares her. The cool thing about home schooling is you join groups, so she won’t be sitting here with me all day long. You make friends just like regular school and I firmly believe that she’ll keep a lot of her friends. I also think it will allow her to have a more vibrant social life because right now she can’t go on sleepovers or to other events because of her headaches. If she has fewer, she’ll be able to do more things like a normal teen.
So, there you have it. Why I think homeschooling my child may be the best thing for her (and me). It’s a big decision we”ll have to make and I’m not taking it lightly. I’ve actually been toying with it all year long.
Melissa says
It is a big decision but it’s a decision you have to make based on what is right for you and your family not what anyone thinks about it. Of course homeschoolers are going to have great things to say and non-homeschoolers may have negative things to say. What is good or not good for them doesn’t effect you nor does what is good for you effect them. If homeschooling is right for your daughter do it. If you try it out and it doesn’t work then the world hasn’t ended you can re-enroll in public school. A good friend of mine homeschools her son and he has blossomed so much since she took him out of public school. I debated on it for my daughter. We did homeschool for preschool but decided to enroll her in public school for Kindergarten. So far it has been good for her but don’t think I wouldn’t hesitate for a minute to homeschool her if I felt that public school wasn’t in her best interest.
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debcb says
Thanks Melissa. It’s a big decision but in the long run it may be best.
Stephanie says
Hi, Deb, I feel your pain – or, rather, I feel some of Rosie’s, as I have suffered from migraines since about age six. Not as frequently as she is now, but from the many times I have had one I can validate the pervasiveness of the pain. First let me say I’m sorry she has that pain – and also the pain of the bullying and the pressure from all sides to do what I call “fake well” sometimes. The fact that I can relate a bit to both your and her situations is why I took your earlier postings about her migraines as a call for help; please disregard my two cents worth of advice from before and know that, like others who also chimed in, I only intended to help (certainly I wasn’t implying that you hadn’t already tried everything you knew of to try to help your daughter). As an educator and a health care provider for over two decades, I will say that, as you know, health issues and pursuit of wellness trump educational pursuits every time, either by one’s choice or by necessity of the situation. I will say for the record that I support whatever you see as the best choice to do here … and with just a little irony I will say you don’t need to give two hoots about anyone else’s opinion about whatever you decide. My only suggestion is that you avoid a computer-based homeschool program bc I fear that will exacerbate the migraines. Whatever you decide can be adjusted as you go. Hang in there!!
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debcb says
Thanks for your support Stephanie. We’ll see what happens in the next few months.
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Summer says
Thanks for sharing about your daughter. I think you should do what is right for her and your family and not worry about what others opinion is on homeschooling. One year there was a teacher I did not want my child to have (oh the horror stories) so I began the process of pulling him out. I was just going to homeschool him the one year. The school finally put him with another teacher so I did not have to follow through. I like the option of homeschooling. Each year I determine what is right and best for my child that year. Go with what you feel is best!
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Laura MyNewestAddiction says
That is seriously rough! I am glad you are doing what is right for your daughter. It is definitely hard to do all of that yourself so you are such a strong person for taking this on!
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Carly says
poor thing, what a tough situation for her!!!
Cameron says
Deb…wow!
I can appreciate your position and empathize completely with Rosie. Years ago, I had negative stress in my life that prompted such severe migraine headaches that I would have to shutdown my life for the remainder of the day until I could cope. My doctor prescribed medications that required me to anticipate my headaches and take them beforehand to have any hope of relief. As it turns out, my stressor was an individual–a colleague and coworker. Once this person was completely removed from my life…my stress subsided and I haven’t had those “serious migraines” in over 15 years. The most important lesson was learning to recognize the sources of negative stress and avoid them altogether.
Modern homeschooling can be actually be more engaging for Rosie than traditional education. Where I live in DFW, the local museums, Zoos, aquariums, gardens, and libraries have multiple structured programs for homeschoolers that are hands-on and go beyond what can be done in a classroom environment. This creates opportunities for entirely new social circles that can create stress-free opportunities for learning and personal growth. The Internet and the Web are enablers and can also teach Rosie how to be an effective skeptic an interrogate sources of information more thoroughly. Ultimately, she must learn to #AskBetterQuestions versus always know the answer for some normalized testing instruments.
Your decision is already made. You don’t need critique or endorsement from anyone. As parents, we do what we know and believe is in the best interests of our children (Period). I hope you and Rosie find the relief you so clearly deserve and seek. I’ll remember Rosie and send blessings her way for immediate healing and restoration to full health. Take care and live well!
debcb says
Thanks for your support. Our neurologist is seriously encouraging us to keep her in regular school. She feels that there is a lot of stigma for headache patients when they are pulled out of school and she’d rather see the school district make accommodations for her. Plus, my daughter is very resistant.
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Jackie says
Sorry that the homeschooling did not go as planned. I am in the process of enrolling my daughter into online homeschooling due to her frequent migraines at her request. Last year we pulled her out for home health schooling and it went really well for her. One month into middle school she has suffered with migraines every two weeks lasting 3-4 days. She has missed so much school and becomes very stressed out about the situation. I’m hoping this online schooling will work…
debcb says
This was the first of many posts about migraines and school. The online K12 program did not work out. It was very rigid and I don’t recommend it for a child with migraines. Right now, we’re doing a hybrid. She goes to school when she can for a half day and then takes a couple of classes online at home. We use Khan Academy for math and that’s worked out well. We’re self-directing Social Studies. I feel for you. It’s stressful for them to miss but I can tell you after going through this journey that it’s important to have your child make some of the decisions. My teen really missed the social aspect of school so getting her there- even if it’s just two days a week, is best for her. What will we do for high school? It’s up in the air. Best of luck to you. We’ve been through so I totally empathize.
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Ashley says
It’s a great decision, some of them feel it is the good decision but others feel it is not. One thing to be considered is how much our family and the children are comfortable with homeschooling. Homeschooling allows the children to learn and earn the quality education at their own pace in a flexible and comfortable environment in parent’s supervision. So, i really appreciate your decision of homeschooling your children
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debcb says
Thanks. Since this post, my daughter has decided to try going back to high school. We’ll see how that goes.
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Amanda says
I appreciate you sharing this story. My 6 yr old suffers from migraine and they are debilitating… most people don’t understand how limiting they are (unless they, too, suffer from them). I’ve been toying with the idea of homeschooling too as school is a major stressor for my child (yes, even in kindergarten). It’s such a huge decision, that i haven’t fully decided on my, but reading this give me encouragement to do what I feel is right for my child (even when it’s a different direction than most). Thank you so much for sharing. Might I ask…. how is it going? How are her migraines now? How is homeschooling? Any advise for someone like me… who is in your shoes but with a younger child?
debcb says
It was hit or miss for us because my teenager really wanted to be in school. I think it’s easier to home school when they are young. Find a local co-op where you can share lesson plans and have activities. As for migraines, we are so much better on Botox.
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