I used to laugh when Rosie was a baby. I’d hold her and look at our reflection in the mirror and wonder would she ever look like me? My redheaded, blue-eyed child wound up with every recessive gene I had- she looked nothing like me with her fair skin. Strangers would stop me and say, “you adopted the most beautiful baby” which stung because she was mine. Over time I learned to shrug it off- she was the perfect blend of the K-Man and I and honestly, she was a genetic miracle- the reflection of generations of our families rolled into one perfect person.
I also learned early on that my child’s personality wasn’t a reflection of mine either. Where I was brazen and bold, she was timid and shy. She’d cling to my leg and sit on my lap until she could cautiously asses a situation then slowly dive in and participate. While she learned hundreds of words early, she thoughtfully strung them together to make sentences- she paused before she spoke. When she played, she often had a plan and when you asked her how she felt- it sometimes confused her causing her to have terrible temper tantrums as a youngster because she really couldn’t articulate how she felt.
When Rosie was little, I mistakenly thought she was afraid of her shadow. What I thought was fear in many situations, wasn’t at all and it took me many years to be able to figure out that my child’s personality was the exact opposite of mine- I’m extremely extroverted while my child is as introverted as can be. So, all the times I watched her play by herself on the fringe of the group, she wasn’t really ever alone. It was a choice. When she got off stage and I’d say, “How was it?” She didn’t know. She had to think about it and get back with me.
Because I was blissfully unaware when my daughter was little that she was extremely introverted, I put her into a lot of situations that I’m certain now made her uncomfortable. Play Dates, dance lessons, drama camps- all of these things probably made her squirm a little but at the time, I didn’t really know that her reluctance wasn’t anxiety. It was who she was inside as a person. She was tentative, careful and often shy.
When I tell people that my Rosie is an introvert, they’re often shocked. On the outside, it doesn’t seem that way- she’s friendly and can hold a conversation with anyone. She has no problem dancing on stage. But then I point out that it takes her a moment to warm up when she walks into a room because it’s overwhelming and that she often sits alone to warm up and they start to understand. My introverted child has developed some extroverted tendencies over the years but it hasn’t changed who she really is.
Essentially, my teen is the exact opposite of me and as we’ve gone through so many challenges this year, I’ve had to learn how to embrace those differences. I’ve had to change the way I communicate with her and sometimes shut up to show my support. While I made the decision to pull her out of school, I’ve kicked back and let her direct her healing process and homeschooling experience. I’ve given her some control. While it still drives me crazy when I say, “what do you want to do today?” and she says, “I don’t know.” I realize that she really cares and she just has to think about it and that’s okay.
This past year has been tough but it’s also been enlightening. For the first time, I’ve started to see a bit of me in my child. Bullying and illness have toughened her up a bit. She’s grown into a little fighter. She’s also learned that while life may suck at times, that you have to stay positive and happy. She’s got a great sense of humor, she’s very wise and she’s learned how to tackle her fears. When I look at my child, I can see a bit of my reflection in her.
As we start the New Year, I’m not scared about what it will bring and neither is she. Yes, going back to school may be a little scary but it’s what she wants more than anything in the world. If there’s anything my child’s taught me this year it’s this- you can’t be afraid of anything. You have to push through. I’ve watched her do it hundreds of times this year and she amazes me. Maybe she’s more like me than I think.
Maria says
I love this post! I want to share it more than anything I’ve ever read of yours before. Bravo!!!
Kate says
I love this, deb! I love how our kids are always teaching us. I always say that Lily is the adult version of me-
She’s way tougher than I ever was as a child. I love when I see traits that I always wanted for myself come out in L. Somehow I got it – just through my daughter.
My headache year and a horrible insensitive teacher changed me into the tough cookie I am today –
FYI 🙂 With what she’s gone through, she’s building life muscle and she will be a survivor and a fighter….I can tell.