“You need to read Queen Bees and Wannabes…”
I can’t tell you how many times I heard that last year as we struggled through a horrendous seventh-grade experience. Yet, I resisted for a couple of reasons. First, I thought I was doing a pretty good job helping my child navigate the cesspool that’s middle school. Second, I totally hate self-help books because I grew up in a home where my mom swore by them (until the next thing came along). So, I just blew off any time someone told me to pick it up.
I changed my mind this year when I realized that the movie Mean Girls was based on the book (check out our Mean Girls style blog for it’s 10th anniversary. Since my teen loves the movie (which shows every single inappropriate behavior a teen could ever exhibit in a hilarious manner), I felt it might be time to pick up the book, see what it’s all about and perhaps find a teaching moment. Maybe I could connect the dots a little by using the “coolness” of the movie to talk about the important parts of the book and relate it back to her experiences.
So, first, I have a confession. It took me a little while to get into Queen Bees and Wannabes. Primarily because I was doing a lot of things right. However, I did find a golden nugget pretty early on when the book discusses cliques and the roles that girls play. It was an easy discussion to have with Rosie that was constructive, non-threatening and it allowed her to look at her Girl World pretty clearly.
While the Queen Bee is usually the “epitome of teen girl perfection,” is not (in an interesting turn of events the Queen Bee of my youth wasn’t either. She was just a mean, homely bully). However, she meets the rest of the book’s description to the T. She’s in the center of the group, calls the shots, is very strategic in her every move and she’s the first to hurt someone’s feelings and say, “just kidding.” We read the description together and my child’s jaw dropped so she was comfortable looking at the other roles and talking about them.
That afternoon, she was clearly able to identify the sidekick of the group (the one that emulates the Queen Bee and does everything she says), the Banker (the one with all the dirt on everyone that just “lets it slip”), the Messenger (the one that lives for drama) and a few Wannabees. It was interesting to see each one of the girls in the clique fit pretty neatly into the each of the descriptions.
Then we got to the part where we had to define Rosie’s role. We knew she’d been the Target. It was pretty clear. But an interesting thing happened when we read the description for the next role- that of Champion. My daughter read it and identified with many of the characteristics.The Champion doesn’t associate herself with one clique- she has different groups that she floats between. She doesn’t like to exclude people and she’s not willing to sacrifice herself to gain or keep social status.
We talked about last year and for the first time, Rosie realized that she had lots of different groups of friends and that she didn’t really have to be friends with the clique she’d been hanging out with the most (this was a breakthrough for her because she felt trapped in her role with the current girls. She also felt very excluded at times.) She liked what she read about the Champion and made the decision that she was not willing to follow, she wanted to stand up for herself. It was a turning point.
Yesterday, driving to Tulsa, Rosie watched Mean Girls in the back seat. While we both laughed hysterically at the jokes, I could tell that she was really paying attention for the first time to the roles that were depicted in the movie because she could related after our discussion. She clearly saw the Queen Bee, Sidekick, Banker and Messenger for the first time and we talked about the behavior and why it wasn’t appropriate. We now like to joke that Mean Girls is textbook “how not to behave” in school.
Since it’s summer, it’s easy to escape Girl World for a while. However, I know that the school year will be here soon. I’m hoping by then my Rosie will embrace her inner Champion and hold onto the role. Fingers crossed.
If you’d like to order the book, you can do so from Amazon here: Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence. You can also find the book online at Target.
This will be the first in a series about the book Queen Bees and Wannabes. There was just too much for me to write in one simple review about the book. Next up: Did you know that your experiences as a teen shape the way you deal with your child’s?
amber.m says
Adding this to my to-read list!
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Claire says
Wow – I have all boys but I bet it’s still applicable in the bullying hierarchy. Since my Oldest is now in college, I need to read this for my Middlest who will be starting 5th grade this Fall. Thanks so much for the review!!
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Laura MyNewestAddiction says
that really is an important subject.. bullying is no joke
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Ange says
I LOVED this book!!
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debcb says
You also LOVED the movie. LOL
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Chelsea says
I think I’d really like to read this. I didn’t know that Mean Girls was based off a book!
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Amber says
Rosie sounds like a great girl, thoughtful and smart! I admire that you really are taking the bullying and turning it into a lesson!
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Jennifer S. says
I had a rough time in middle school, and even through I was homeschooled I dealt with “mean girls” at church… it was hard. I Really Hope that Rosie can embrace her champion and help the other girls that are feeling excluded too!
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Karly says
For me, most of the bad stuff happened my junior year of high school. I had a pretty tight-knit clique, but we weren’t the popular kids, had no agenda against others or anything like that. But then the dynamic started to change and everyone gravitated towards the girl in the group who seemed to have a more “tragic” life (she didn’t, really, but did a great job of storytelling), which did sting when no one wanted to come hang at my place anymore. But I roll with the flow, which is what I did when that girl started dating a guy that made us all nervous. While the rest talked smack about him, I tried to be his friend, to get to know him because he was important to her.
Turns out that was apparently the WRONG thing to do, I’m guessing because the whole thing was a ploy for more “tragedy”. She turned everyone on me, saying I was trying to steal him from her, effectively removing me from my group of friends that I had known almost my entire life. It was devastating, heart-breaking, and made me realize how stupid the whole high school experience was. I focused on working and just doing my thing. Never joined another group, never tried to get those girls back.
Even the most mild-mannered of cliques can turn a life upside down. It’s crazy.
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debcb says
She was the Queen Bee and she gained popularity in your clique and used it against you. So sad.
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Jamie (Mama.Mommy.Mom.) says
I’m afraid I’m going to need this sooner rather than later. My little girl is growing up and I can already see some of the girls being SO mean to each other 🙁
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