All I could think about as I decided that it was time to start writing again last night was the Elton John song, “The Bitch is Back.” While I'm not exactly the kind of person the lyrics describe, I am a different person than the one that walked away from the keyboard earlier this year. Part of that is due to age. I hit the half century mark in May. However, I think the struggles of the past three years caught up with me and I just didn't have anything nice to say. So, I didn't.
Writing is incredibly cathartic. That's one of the things I learned almost a decade ago when I started to blog. I'd sit down at the computer and a few moments later, kick back to discover that what intended to write, didn't really happen at all. And, whatever I just wrote, was exactly what needed to be said. I just released all the feels that needed to go away. Sometimes, I'd laugh at the stories I'd tell. Other times I'd write a piece to help others and be really pleased. But often, I'd sit in front of the computer and silent tears would fall onto my keyboard as I typed. When I'd finish writing, I'd wipe them, blow my nose and move on. Until one day, I hit the wall and knew that I'd had it.
Social media has made the world an ugly place.
So much complaining, bickering and nastiness. While it's allowed us to reconnect with old friends, it also gives people the freedom to sit behind the computer, spew hate and bitch all the time. Part of my decision to stop putting myself out there was based on what I'd read on Facebook. Normally a tolerant person, I'd scroll down my feed and shake my head in disgust at some of the things I'd read. I not only lost my patience, I lost that little piece of me that tried to put myself in other's shoes when they ranted on their social media. I started to see myself as a little judgy. So, I completely stopped posting on my blog page, backed away from my Instagram and decided I was done putting myself out there. I was wasting my energy trying to help other people through my words.
Here's the thing about help. You have to be open to receive it. You have to want to drink it in like a cup of warm cocoa for it to have any impact on your life. Lots of people say they want it but they don't. They want to continue to wallow in their situation. They feel that they can't change things so they continue on the same path. That's the definition of insanity and honestly, it drives me crazy.
We don't choose many of the things that happen in our life but it's how we handle them that make us who we are.
No one chooses to lose a job or a spouse. You don't opt in to cancer or having a sick child. These terrible things strike at the most inopportune times and challenge every fiber of our being. It's how you respond that goes on to shape the rest of your life.
I chose for years to stay positive and fight for my daughter and my entire family. I focused my energy on helping as many people as I could so we could possibly shorten their struggle. Some of it was well received but other times it backfired and that's okay. Those are the people who enjoy much of life's drama and want to wallow in it. I have no room for them in my life and they deserve zero of my energy and attention. I am ashamed that I even entertained letting some of them suck the life out of me and I'm also a little pissed that I've allowed our last hospital stay to change the way I feel about almost everything in my life.
While I do not plan to write about the six weeks we were in the hospital, I will tell you this: we didn't want to be there and the reasons why we felt that way were completely confirmed during the stay. This stay took a toll on all of us emotionally and it will take a while for all of us to heal. However, it's how I've felt the past couple of months since we've been out that is the impetus for me to start to write again. You see, I was starting to worry that I was getting depressed and that scared me. And, I knew if I could sit down and put all the thoughts out there constructively, that I'd feel better. That the silent tears would fall and I'd release the emotions.
So yes, the bitch is back.
I need to remind myself why I write- for me. Any of you that I touch or help along the way is an added bonus. Any of you that are haters, I feel sorry for you. Life is way to short for anger.